August 2011
1 post
chez panisse
as a californian (transplant, but resident nonetheless), and as a foodie, i’ve always had a quiet reverence for alice waters.
today i heard her speak for the first time. i don’t know why, but i was extremely disappointed that she was not eloquent or even articulate. in a rare moment of self-reflection, i pondered my own disappointment; why do i attribute vision or capability with...
April 2011
1 post
2 words
occasionally something stirs me from my weekly week-long zombie walk to the paycheck line.
sometimes that something can be a mere 2 words. i’ve always known that words have power; but when you hear two words in combination and they pull meaning and context out of each other, it’s hard not to face it directly in plain consciousness and think.
today’s 2 words were “the...
February 2011
1 post
November 2010
1 post
thought provoking
long airplane rides are mandatory meditation sessions. it is precisely for this reason that some people are not good travelers.
in somewhat unrelated news, i remembered something that i have not thought about in a long time. do you remember making textbook covers out of old grocery paper bags? i wonder if kids these days still do this. i wouldn’t be surprised if they still do, despite paper...
October 2010
1 post
voyeur
i find myself periodically virtually checking up on TTT, via her livejournal, just to see how she’s doing. today, i saw she had 2 updates: first one was about the TI music festival. sounds like she’s having a blast, made me wonder what sonic worlds i was missing out on. made me wish i could join in on that picnic in a backpack. i was feeling nostalgic for the...
September 2010
2 posts
i don't know how my parents survived my rearing
my mom called me monday. this is how the conversation unfolded: “did you call me?” “no.” “you called. you no say anything for long time. very long call.” “oh, i must have called you by accident from my pocket.” …“i thought maybe you might be kidnapped. so dad and i listen for long time.”
fear and loathing in los carros
i’m a healed arachnophobe. well, maybe not “healed”, but at least i thought i had it under manageability. growing up, mere sight of 8 legs would instantly send me sprinting straight to pleading with the parental units to “kill the spider!”. this proceeded for an embarrassingly long time into young adulthood, and i couldn’t kill a spider (without the aid of a...
August 2010
3 posts
observations
been on a live music kick; went to the san jose jazz festival (courtesy of my generous employer*), then a free they might be giants concert in the park, and last night saw dave matthews band free (*comge).
the jazz festival was awesome; i was expecting much less. the quality of jazz played is definitely worth a detour from your life path. i really liked the yoshiaki miyanoue tokyo quartet; the...
things i learned from the zynga game,...
“settling the frontier” is a euphemism for clear-cutting forests.
the best way to confront a bear is to walk directly in front of it and jump up and down while waving your arms. do not forget to shout, “hey, hey, hey!”.
speaking of bears, they shit money and pies.
your fiancee will send dozens of letters to you a day, all of them saying the same thing: i can’t...
they're my sister's. i don't have a sister? i...
i had a reunion lunch with some people i don’t really know that well, with the exception of one. that one is the glue for this group, and her return to the bay area prompted this latest gathering.
interesting story from her: she recently broke up with some sketchy dude. they never got along very well and had many public fights over inane things, despite not really being very serious or...
July 2010
1 post
confessional
i’m logging on from the tail end of my japan trip. swirls of bad karma and misunderstandings are leaking from my だめんず activities.
i hooked up with aguri. it just kind of happened. now she won’t talk to me. she thinks i told tadashi about her new job assignment. everything is secrets and false faces in japan.
saori dumped my ass. i don’t fully understand what really happened,...
February 2010
1 post
catcher of the sighs
had a dream about TTT last night. not that i haven’t before, but this one i can’t quite interpret. we were with many others walking amongst the clouds. we had ladles/scoops that we would dip below the clouds into something. TTT and i decided to go up to a higher tier of clouds. i had to fashion some extra long ladles in order to still be able to scoop the something that seemed so...
October 2009
2 posts
catching up
hey tumblr. long time no see, i think we should catch up. so much to fill in on. i’ve had so many thoughts and emotions over the past few weeks, but didn’t get to capture it in writing. what happens to a thought when it’s not solidified into text or picture or other physical manifestation? sometimes, if it’s heavy enough, it seems to leave an imprint in memory. but...
fall back into despair
ex gf yf showed up at my door yesterday. yes, the exact scenario dimples was worried about, that i was sure would not happen.
i mean, this time was better. this time was supposed to be different. she stopped emaling, calling, no contact for ~3 months of any kind.
but there she was, hiding behind the peephole. i opened the door and she jumped in, and now i cannot remove her. i told her she...
September 2009
18 posts
pana week
shit is bizzy.
monday-tuesday: oregon
wednesday: folsom
thursday: gotta wrap up my intern’s shiz, including performance review
friday: customer meeting in EBC
i got no time to think. or savor.
peaks
this morning, i turned onto the highway i drive into work every day on. merge, look up.
gasp.
in front of me, the road disappeared into a mountain. how have i never seen this mountain before? sprawling, lazily devouring the horizon. today, the mountain had a thin, perfect ring of clouds circling its crown.
sometimes all it takes is somebody or something to make you look at things a little...
minding things that don't matter
when i should be mind over matter.
been taking it real slow with my various female candidates. so slow that agnes made the move last night, and we shared our first kiss. it was a really good kiss. the kind that makes my heart flutter and wanting more.
yet despite this, on my drive to work today, i could only think about tammy. wtf xan. we looked down that road and we know where it leads.
i...
stay the course
had my first platonic lunch with midori, after the whole “let’s just be friends” talk. she’s still pretty awesome, in terms of personality, but i just know it won’t work long term.
i forgot to mention jen. i think she’s pretty into me, and she’s pretty awesome in terms of personality, but i just don’t have that spark. i need that initial spark the...
clouds are clearing
the dust around my heart is starting to settle, and i’m getting a better picture of the landing zone.
i told midori we should just be friends. we had a nice chat afterwards, and i think it will work out. she apparently has throngs of single hot girls in SF that are dying to meet my single guy friends down here in man jose.
vanessa, we are on the verge of becoming an item, but i just...
sunscreen
TTT revelation: i think she’s manipulating me. doing status checks on my around-her-fingerness.
she never IMs me. i always cave in, IM her, just to see what she’s up to. but, just as i’m recovering, beginning to accept moving on, here she comes IMing me out of the blue. twice. in one day.
she tells me she’s craving boiling crab. hello, open invitation. well, i can’t...
“Maybe that’s just growing up. When you’re young, you tell yourself things like...”
– (via staree)
scarlet billows
as i went on my ritual late night run, i turned the corner near the gas station that marks my near halfway point.
A giant bottle of soda crushed. a shotgun muted in a barrel. screaming tires.
turning, i see the twisted wires of bike, too mangled to move. a white SUV slowly creeps to the curb. and then i saw him. white man, long hair, almost feminine looking. right leg twisted backwards. a red...
attention
so i guess i know where TTT is coming from, it’s nice to have a lot of attention from the opposite sex.
went on a crapload of dates/setups/mixers the past 2 days. went on a couple dates with midori (funny girl, but a little scary), vanessa (again), met agnes (cute, potential, i think there’s some chemistry there too), met or remet kay, jade, daisey, ellen, sissi (some potential...
of or pertaining to wishful thinking
as i listened to SF forum this morning, i was thoroughly taking mental notes on child rearing. constant praise to a child can setup a lifelong fear of failure. plausible. nay, probable. encouragement to try hard is better. logical. spanking is not necessarily bad. sensible. it depends much more on the parent’s control of their anger while spanking, otherwise it could lead to aggression in...
lunacy
while running my 3.5 at 11pm, i was on the overpass spanning over 85 when i looked down and saw some graffiti on the sidewalk. it exclaimed, “full moon ->”.
looking up, indeed, there was a bright circular moon. except it wasn’t full. it was almost full, but missing something. i’m looking at the man in the moon, and the man is me.
here's your receipt
i have this OCD thing where i sort/organize all my receipts. i just did it for the past 2 months, and it was like reliving the whole damn TTT saga.
7/8 - here’s where i bought guinness, jack, and coke for our shot chess. boy do i regret ever talking to you those days online prior. you pulled me into you. i still haven’t escaped, i’m floating somewhere between freckles.
...
mind over matter
ok, i finished my tammy heart-art montages. i’m using that to close this chapter.
L said to focus on the negatives. i dont really have many, i really enjoyed being with her. i guess the only negative is after she dropped me how she closed herself, how she doesn’t want me, how she doesn’t care about me except in the way that a person in front of home depot could fulfill for...
i miss your goodnight kisses, fo' real
the setup:
post seeing tammy at sumiya, she texts me the day after with “crazy huh? the coincidence,…. u wanna get ramen today? i also want ti (sic) bring the coffee table to ups store”
she has been seriously dragging about this ramening. i get this text right after she sees me, i don’t even know what to think. i start to think, maybe she saw me, and she missed me, and...
running from pain
i ran. i ran until my legs couldn’t bear it anymore. all in all, 13.25 miles. 2 hours 10 minutes. not too shabby, considering i’ve never run more than 7.5 miles, and i’ve only run that twice, ever.
mile 7, i started seriously chaffing in my inner thigh.
mile 10, my knees started to give out.
mile 11, my body started to go numb, and i could no longer really run, it was more of...
mack truck
i just got sideswiped by an emotional mack truck. fuck all this spiritual journey shit, fuck all this getting back out there and seeing girls crap, fuck all this getting my life back in order nonsense. all of my hardwork was derailed, by something as simple as tammy walking in through the door of the restaurant i was at.
so sarah, georgene, and i are staying late at work. sarah wants to go eat,...
super bon bon
i rediscovered something today, quite by accident.
a friend was talking about her pet fish named bon bon, and i started walking through the rest of my day with soul coughing in my head set to my Life Soundtrack (tm). went on youtube and found entire soul coughing albums available for play.
m. doughty is truly one groovy beatnik poet-musician. move a-siiiiiide and let the man go throoooough, let...
August 2009
73 posts
renewals
today was a day of healing. of repairs.
hangover fixed.
shirt taken to dry cleaners to get sewn up. told the old asian grandma, “i’ll pay you $40 if you can mend this shirt. do whatever it takes.” she laughed at me, and then told me to “stay cool”. i prefer the hip interpretation over the literal. but it was likely literal, as she thinks my shirt is a lost cause.
...
superglue
i love superglue.
it sees my vision for the world, and agrees.
superglues are often designed for a specific purpose in the world. i have superglue that is only for metals, i have superglue that is only for plastics, i have superglue that is only for glass, only for wood, only for car mirrors.
superglues also are mercurial creatures, not only for the fleeting liquidity of it’s outpourings....
gimp or retard?
i have no idea how to use the paths tool in gimp.
this. should. be. easy. but. is. not.
isn’t this shit supposed to be designed for artists?
a few thoughts
new discovery #1: hue restaurant and nightclub. it is teh koreanz. what can i say, other than i love it? steve the owner brought me free drinks and free food and broken english. all 3 were excellent. i wasn’t supposed to drink all that much, but free goes down too easy. at least i remember the free shrimp skewers that were grilled ever so perfectly that the head was crunchy savoriciousness....
post wakeup call
ling gave me a straight-up talking to. and like any good conversation, i walked away a different person, even if i didn’t acknowledge it.
a few things:
my resolve to only date girls that are marriage-worthy or as high on the checklist as tammy for the rest of my life: foolish. get back in the game. get a rebound. anything, because i am fixated on something that is gone. however, after the...
slap!
L: what is wrong with you? you mean you were upset for 2 days and then you started picking up new girls?
xander: no, this one is bad. i'm not recovering well.
L: oh my god. pathetic is not attractive.
xander: you are not a very sympathetic girl.
L: just get over it. move on.
xander: i know i've broken a lot of hearts. i think this is karma, that i would find what i want, and she would not want me.
L: this is hilarious. what you need is rebound sex. that's the best way to forget about this. after the rebound sex, and you are back to normal, i will introduce you to my single friends.
xander: i miss her.
L: you are the worst playah ever.
this week
goal:
purge myself of my hangup on tammy.
plan:
distill all thoughts that keep me up at night, that make my internal dialogue scream, that make me regret meeting her, into *single sentence summaries*
capture distilled thoughts into art. art will contain and maintain these thoughts for perpetuity, freeing my mind from having to do so.
proposed outcome:
profit.
your day
i wish i knew how your first day of classes went.
i wish you wanted to share with me.
4:30am
i can’t sleep because i know you are waiting for me in my dreams, and not when i wake.
ttt
ok, she logged into the dating website, but she didn’t view my profile. that makes me sad.
i only log in to see her face.
she logs in to forget mine.
g
xander: how can womens be so cold? you have something there, and then they just turn it off.
g: it's a bloodbath out there.
g: why can't you move on? i've seen you get girls like mad. there are plenty of fish.
xander: for the first time, i know there will never be better.
muzak
i’m the kind of guy who gets a song stuck in his head, and sings it over and over to himself.
tammy teng, you are the song stuck in my head.