i contain multitudes.

things i learned from the zynga game, frontierville

• “settling the frontier” is a euphemism for clear-cutting forests.
• the best way to confront a bear is to walk directly in front of it and jump up and down while waving your arms. do not forget to shout, “hey, hey, hey!”.
• speaking of bears, they shit money and pies.
• your fiancee will send dozens of letters to you a day, all of them saying the same thing: i can’t wait to see you soon. (the old school booty call)
• corollary to above: that bitch won’t move out to live with you until you build her a store to shop in
• everybody that lives in the frontier lives due east of the gold rush, due north of rattlesnake canyon, due west of buffalo range, and due south of the oregon trail (at least initially. you can magically teleport these destinations by rotating the signposts). this means either the frontier exists in dimensions above the third, or everything is really, really far away from everybody. 
• tree saplings are like vegetable cockroaches.