3rd
fear and loathing in los carros
i’m a healed arachnophobe. well, maybe not “healed”, but at least i thought i had it under manageability. growing up, mere sight of 8 legs would instantly send me sprinting straight to pleading with the parental units to “kill the spider!”. this proceeded for an embarrassingly long time into young adulthood, and i couldn’t kill a spider (without the aid of a supersoaker and at least 10 feet of distance) until i left for college. but, as i mentioned, i’ve got it under control. when i see a spider, i can contain the fear and channel it into disgust. i’m able to grab a tissue (or in the case of bigger opponents, shoes) and end that motherfucker before it gets any ideas. to me, that’s pretty functional.
this morning while driving into work, a white, gangly, long, huge spider (probably two-and-a-half inches in diameter, with legs) came crawling out of my driver side air vent. fear enveloped me like a cold shower. i simultaneously froze and spastically swerved the car. i could barely swallow and my hands clenched. i had trouble staying in my lane and all i could do was stare at it.
it slowly started to move, crawling further and further out of the air vent. it took a few steps towards the driving wheel, and then started dangling. losing sight of it behind the steering wheel for a second, i almost crashed into a divider. i regained sight of it as it lowered like a pale ghostly pendulum towards the floor, and then lost sight of it.
the rest of my drive to work, i could not function. i would swerve towards the side of the road in an effort to pullover and inspect the cabin, and then swerve back when i tried to “manage” my fear and get to my meeting on time.
after finishing the longest commute of my life, i pulled into my parking space and jumped out of the car. i then proceeded to tentatively examine areas of the cabin floor for the white beast.
i could not find it.
i’m delaying going home from work, mostly because i do not want to get into my car. i went from proud conqueror of arachnophobia to cowering invalid, thanks to a tiny little life incapable of harming much more than a fly.
as i sit here at my work desk delaying the inevitable, it got me thinking… how much are we really able to change ourselves? i mean, truly change. all we are doing is managing around our limitations, quirks, personalities, encumbrances… but they are still there, beneath the surface. all it takes is a little shock to the equilibrium, and the facade crumbles. makes me worried about myself. so many of my “improvements” are just smoke and mirrors.
