2nd
fall back into despair
ex gf yf showed up at my door yesterday. yes, the exact scenario dimples was worried about, that i was sure would not happen.
i mean, this time was better. this time was supposed to be different. she stopped emaling, calling, no contact for ~3 months of any kind.
but there she was, hiding behind the peephole. i opened the door and she jumped in, and now i cannot remove her. i told her she couldn’t stay. that she had to go. that i closed that part of my life. that i had moved on. that i was seeing somebody. nothing could move her.
she made a list. she wanted to give me a hug. tell me everything that was on her mind. go back to YFA beach. ride on my motorcycle. it’s a beautiful list.
she pulled my kitchen knife on herself. threatened to hurt herself. i tried to tell her she couldn’t stay. that i would even pay for her hotel. anything, but she couldn’t stay. things got bad, and i had to lock myself in the bathroom, and i was 1 finger touch away from calling the police.
i know i should have called. but i just can’t bear to see her dragged away by force… her on her own, with her luggage, with no friends in the US, no money… her orange and black suitcase that she just bought because she knows i love those colors.
a part of my heart, that i had closed and sealed away, will always love her. but i am not in love with her anymore. but seeing her here, seeing how scared she is, how helpless… i feel the seals weakening.
half my heart aches for her while the other half resents her.
